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Tall Stories
PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:21 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Yarns Australian are to be found here.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:21 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
published in the New York Times:-

American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British.


One week later, in Australia the Northern Territory Times, reported
the following: -

After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had
already gone wireless.

Makes you bloody proud to be Australian!

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 11:55 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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A bit of Australian Bush poetry.

Enjoy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aK8qNTEong0&list=RDaK8qNTEong0&start_radio=1&t=40

If you got a laugh from that here is one more

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0kIj_PIpaI

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:18 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.

Then he asked the little lizard,

'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

" F&#K me" !....

How much water did you drink!?'

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:25 pm Reply with quote
Neilywatch
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Laughing

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:54 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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One night at Crown Casino a very attractive, shapely, blonde woman arrived at the craps table.

She decided to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

"Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!" .........

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:14 am Reply with quote
StephanG
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Another tall story but this one is actually true.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70-WTKmF3z4

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:02 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,

"You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".

I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me six stitches...but

When you're over seventy..............who cares?


I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you're over seventy..............who cares?


I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you're over seventy...............who cares?



I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me six more stitches, but...

When you're over seventy..............who cares?

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2019 11:30 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Out on the Great barrier reef , two prawns
were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks
that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian,

"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn,
I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten...".

As Justin contemplated the pleasing thought of becoming a predator,
a mysterious cod appears and says,

"Your wish is granted",

and lo and behold,

Justin turned into a large shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away,
afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and it came to be
that Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realise that his new and menacing
appearance would also be the cause of such a sad plight.

One day while out swimming alone
he again spots the mysterious cod and can't believe his luck.

Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back and so it went
that he was turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny eyes,
Justin swam back to his friends.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched
for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home" came the reply "distraught that his
best friend became a shark".

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted,

"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out.

Christian replied "No way mate, you'll eat me.
You're a shark; the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not.
That was the old me. I've changed."


......... wait for it ..............


"I've found Cod, and I'm a prawn again Christian"

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2019 12:12 am Reply with quote
StephanG
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A FAIRY TALE FOR AUSTRALIAN WOMAN

Once upon a time,
a beautiful,
independent,
self-assured Princess,

happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
life on the shores of a magnificent lake
near her castle in the outback.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said,

Sweet Princess,

I was once a handsome Prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I really am
and then, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother.

There you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes,
bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night,

while dining on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought.

"I don't bloody think so".

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 5:16 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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When the railway between Walhalla and Moe closed in the 1950s, local people were convinced that a ghost train was haunting the trackbed.

Even though the engines no longer ran, they could still hear the sound of chuffing and whistles echoing through the woods.

It turned out to be a Lyrebird, an Australian bird which can imitate any sound!

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2019 5:25 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'People, same as you,' replied the small croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

'Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase.”

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 3:15 am Reply with quote
StephanG
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My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Homstead Motel.

Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight.



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math’s teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Four Squares Motel with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math’s, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference

– 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2019 11:42 pm Reply with quote
John B Scott
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Hope Stephen doesn't mind me piggybacking, also from Melbourne.

_____________

THE HAIRCUT

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a Police Officer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Margaret Thatcher said: Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 1:21 am Reply with quote
StephanG
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Smile

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Tall Stories
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